What is change?

W H A T   I S   C H A N G E ?

Our time in the Netherlands is coming to an end, and when I read that my dear friend @mirjam.christine.hope was hosting a session around change, I knew I had to be part of it.

Change. 

It feels like my life at this moment is change only. Big changes only. Transitions in life. The one is me transitioning to being a mother, and with that a change in almost all relationships. The relationship with myself being the major one. 

During the sessions many realizations came: I am scared of change. Scared of what I am becoming. Scared of what it will mean to choose to start a family in South Africa, on what that will mean for my Dutch roots. How will I keep on nourishing those? Scared of my career, because time and space got a complete new meaning. Scared on how the relationship with David will change and be. Scared of death. 

It makes sense that I am scared of death, because a big transition comes with death. Old parts are dying, and will die. To create space for the new. But first they have to die. And that hurts. 

Today I realized that I never really used to be scared of change. I loved it. But after Jade died, I am way more sensitive to it. I guess I am still grieving. And although I know that, I am not always conscious about that. Deeper down there is still a process going on. The process of acceptance, that losing him will always be part of me. That having had a still birth has been a traumatic experience that I still carry in my body. The process of trusting that it is also an experience in my life that is connecting me deeper to life, that it is leading me to a closer connection with myself. An experience that is healing not only my Feminine, but in time also the collective. All to make my Feminine Essence find more ground within me, within the world. 

I also realized that the resistance to change that I am feeling at the moment has a function. Resistance creates space for inquiry, if I dare to be with it. To not wish the resistance to be gone, or the process to go quicker, but to simply sit with the resistance. To look underneath it, to move through the deep emotions that come with it, as gracefully as possible (which doesn’t happen all the time 😉 

In this way the change can touch ground, to truly work for me, instead of keeping me stuck. Today I learned that the fear I am feeling is an important part of my transition. It teaches me to trust, but only when I allow it to fully be there.

xo