Expanding Awareness

Expanding Awareness

Today Baby Loss Awareness Week starts #blaw2021. Normally I am not so much into weeks and days like this, because there are so many that I just can’t keep up. Somehow this one feels different at this moment. I feel that I would like to write something every day, something I want to share on my journey of losing my baby.

I had something in mind to write about, but like everything else in this healing journey, it has changed. Grieving and recovering from trauma is such an unpredictable journey. The one moment my mood is bright and good, and then something happens, something gets triggered and I am in deep deep sorrow.

The past few days have been so magically bright. I felt deeply connected with spirit, with life, there was so much trust and excitement. Of the future, of my life that I am building, of the woman that I am becoming (or I should say the more I remember the woman I have always been), a new baby that I am inviting in.

Now, while writing this, I doubt everything and I don’t know where I am going. I got hit hard with something. Doubting my relationship, the choice to start trying falling pregnant soon again. Doubting if I should share all of this, because what would other people think. Doubting if I should share, because I am actually not sure if I am stable enough to let the outside world come in more and more. Am I not too vulnerable? Should I not protect myself energetically?

And at the same time I don’t really mind, because after losing Jade, and still standing, I think I can handle quite a bit. Also, I so badly want to break the silence. I have heard so many stories in the past few months, so many untold stories, so much unresolved trauma, so many women that suffer, or have suffered in silence because they are ashamed about how they feel, or just because they don’t know where to go.

I get it. It is damn hard. It’s uncertain. It may feel like the deepest dark with no guarantees. And at times it is a lonely journey. An invisible earthquake as the title of Malika Ndlovu’s book states.

I can relate to that. Something in the outer world fell away on the 6th of June, my ground was shaken massively. Bit by bit I am building a foundation again. With the greatest awareness, and with the truest truth. One of the biggest positives of death is that it comes with renewal. A chance to become a truer and more complete version of yourself.

I am expanding awareness (I hope you don’t mind me borrowing your middle name for this post @cora_verkuilen), within myself, and within the world I live, so we can understand better and better what it truly means for our souls to live life on planet earth.