Birthing death

Birthing death

This might be one of the most vulnerable posts to write. One of the most triggering maybe. And also one of the most important ones if you ask me. 

I have birthed death. Up to now I have two other sisters say these words out loud. Two second trimester babies that were birthed without a heartbeat. By now I know that a woman goes through the same stages as I have been going through, the same postnatal stages a woman goes through when a baby is born alive.

Tears stream down my face as I write this. Birthing death has been one of the most powerful and transformational things I have ever done. If I look at it from an observer point of view it almost seems impossible. To know that your baby does not have a heartbeat anymore and having to give birth to him or her. However, experiencing it brought up a power that I didn’t know existed in me. I felt from deep inside that I wanted to continue the birthing process, in a natural way. The nurse advised it and I felt that it was the way to go. It was like everything happened through me and I needed to surrender to that. 

When I look back and feel into the moment, I feel so much love. Yes, there was an extreme overwhelm of pain, disbelief and immense sadness AND there was so much love and bliss. It is hard to explain in words, but it was as if in the hour after we heard the news and got the space to ourselves to digest the first bits, all was love. We cried in each other’s arms, wailed deep primal cries, look into each other’s eyes so deeply and love was holding us. Our connection was bigger and truer than ever before, our love for each other exploded and our gratitude for Jade and all he brought to us was so so real.

As if all the separation was gone.
All was the same.
All was love.

And I don’t think I have ever been closer to God
(or essence or the divine or Goddess or whatever resonates with you)